My New Job: A Story In Comics

So I started a brand new job recently. This new job is not like anything I've ever done before. It's a great place to work, with very nice people. But I feel a little out of my element so far. Mainly, because I'm way way waaaaay out of the "art" sector. None-the-less, I'm lucky to have found a job and to get to work for such a great place.

Aside from the nice people, having a paycheck, benefits (now I can get hit by a bus and not get sent to debtors prison), and weekends off here are a few pretty awesome things about my new job:

1. I get a super official badge that grants me access to the building.

It makes me feel a little bit like I work for the CIA or FBI 'cause I can say things like, "Yeah, I've got the security clearance to be in this cubicle sector".
Mostly, I like it because I wear it around my neck and in doing so I let everyone I meet/come across/smile at in the hallway made of cubicle walls know: Hey. I work here. So don't even think about asking if I'm here for take-your-son-to-work-day.

2. We got a free travel mug.

The coffee to go in the travel mugs was not included. But at least now my coffee can travel with me and stay reasonably hot. AND I can score points for the environment by taking my travel mug into coffee shops and filling it up instead of using one of their paper cups. You're welcome environment!


As awesome as badges and free travel mugs are, there are some things about my new job that are hard for me...

1. You are not allowed to wear sneakers.

Not even on casual friday.

2. You have to talk about polite things. Like the weather and The Hawks and laundry.


You are NOT supposed to run your mouth off.


If you run your mouth off you might insult people...


3. You cannot run in the office. I mean, no one has officially told me that I can't run, but I assume it's one of those rules you should assume to be true.
You cannot run.
You have to walk.
Professionally.
With your badge on.
Why is it such a big deal that you can't run?? Because the area where I work is pretty much made of cubicles, and hence there are perfectly crafted "lanes" for racing. I mean...DUH. And it could only be all the more interesting to race in cubicle lanes and have to dodge printers, recycling bins, and fax machines. ALSO, I think it would be way fun to put a prize in a random person's cubicle and have a race to find it. Kinda like rats in a maze, except less Kafka-esque.


Here are some things I wish about my job:

1. That I could have a drum set in my cubicle.

I don't know how to play the drums, but the office is so quiet that sometimes I just want to make some noise. Hence my desire to have drum set in my cubicle to bang on.

2. That the cafeteria had an ice cream machine.
The cafeteria at the place I work is run by the same company that ran the cafeteria at the university I went to. One thing my school cafeteria had that this cafeteria does not have was a soft serve ice cream dispenser. There were days where I would eat three ice cream cones in one day. And I certainly would not mind if those days happened again...


Really, if I could have a drum set and an ice cream machine I would be pretty made in the shade. I could get over not wearing sneakers. And if I had a drum set that would distract me from wanting to run around. And if I had ice cream to shove in my face that would prevent me from saying something stupid!! Everyone WINS!

Love Rant: This Sketch From SNL

Ok. Obviously this is brilliant for so many, many reasons. Not the least of which is Betty White, who was beyond hilarious all night long (I nearly fell off the couch when she came out on the Latin talk-show and couldn't keep up with the head-snap dance in that long-haired wig). I could go into great detail about Betty White's genius comic timing, the awesomeness of Betty White, Tina Fey, Rachel Dratch, Amy Poehler and Ana Gasteyer all on one stage-but really...it speaks for itself.

Here are the reasons beyond the obvious, that I love it:

1. "Lez" as a verb. If I had a nickel for everytime I had to do something girly when I would have rather stayed home and lezzed? Well...let's just say I'd have my own lesbian fashion line for girls who can't fill out the boob-sacs in shirts made for women.

2. Betty White saying she wishes she could go back and lez it up 24 hours.

3. "You can put that lesbian in any kind of a dress you want and you know what you're going to end up with?? A lesbian." This sketch made me realize that, growing up, I never needed a pony or a hamster or a pair of red converse high-tops...what I REALLY needed was Betty White sitting in the corner of my house, doing needlepoint-stating the obvious....

Like...when I sobbed over having curlers put in my hair...
MOM: I don't understand why you don't like having your hair curled! Don't you think you like so pretty??
BETTY WHITE: She's a lesbian!

MOM: Now why did you take your communion dress off ALREADY?! Our family hasn't even gotten here from the church yet for your party!
BETTY WHITE: That girl is a lesbian!

MOM: Why don't you want to go to social dance class?? Everyone else in the seventh grade is going!
BETTY WHITE: Awww! Just let her stay home and LEZ!

...and...when I brought home a boyfriend who was clearly gay himself, though nothing was ever said to me, I'm sure at one point this conversation happened...
DAD: Should we be concerned that she's dating a gay man?
MOM: Oh I don't think he's gay! Why would he be dating our beautiful, lovely, daughter if he was gay??
BETTY WHITE: BECAUSE THEY'RE BOTH HOMOSEXUALS. NOW TELL THEM TO COME OUT OF THE CLOSET BEFORE THEY END UP MARRIED WITH FOUR KIDS.


Oh Betty White. What good work you could do for gays across the world if you could sit in a corner and state the obvious.


....also...I have new cursewords. They are "Crabapples!!" and "Awww Crackers!"

Love Rant: My New Pair Of Sneakers That I Convinced Myself I Needed/Deserved While Shopping For "Work" Shoes

These are my new sneakers.
I LOVE sneakers.
I LOVE these sneakers.

Personally, I believe that there are a pair of sneakers for any occasion in life.
Sneakers make me feel good.
Sneakers always feel like "me".
And if I have to wear an outfit that's not wholly comfortable, or if I'm in a new situation or doing something I don't necessarily like doing-I feel so much better about life if I'm wearing my sneaks. Some people have pendants or jewelry that they always wear. Some people can't function without their special watch on their wrist. Some people have lucky hats...
I have sneakers.

So yesterday I got a new pair of sneakers (see above picture (aren't they totally awesome?!)). There's just something about sweet new shoes that make me feel good! Maybe it's my inner girl coming through. But instead of drooling over a new pair of pumps or some sexy, strappy sandals...I swoon over sneakers.
Is that weird?
I can't help it.
So I bought a new pair yesterday afternoon. And I'll admit I was especially vulnerable yesterday because...

I was out clothes shopping.

*Cue the foreboding, dramatic music*

There are few activities I loathe more than clothes shopping. But this is not a blog that talks about things that I loathe, it's a blog that talks about things that I love. So I will not go into much more detail than to say: when you're small it's impossible to find things that fit. And it gets to be a miserable day when you're shopping for regular old button-downs and try on a petite 0/XXS and it STILL looks stupid on you because you don't have the boob-age to fill out the built in boob-sacs that they build into ladies' shirts. So. Frustrating. It's not my lack of boob-age that I care about, it's the fact that ladies shirts look stupid on my because of it and kids' shirts don't fit because the sleeves are too short and mens' shirts are just too damn big and I just want a shirt that fits I don't care WHERE it comes from! Is that too much to ask?
Anyway.
Back to sneakers.
I had no luck in the clothes shopping department yesterday. None. I got belts. That was about it.
...Good thing I had to buy shoes too.
I am starting a job where sneakers are not allowed (I know, it's heart-wrenching), and hence, needed to find appropriate footwear.
Now, one totally awesome thing about having the build of a hobbit is that you can fit into kid size shoes. And so my body-type (read: hobbit) redeemed itself and I was able to buy a plain old pair of brown "work" shoes and a plain old pair of black "work" shoes in the kids section and hence...on the cheap! So what if the brand of my shoe is "Buster Brown" and the "o" in "Brown" is a little paw print?? No one has to know but me!...and all of you.

So since I was able to find the shoes I needed for so cheap, when I saw the converse rack, I thought: "Why the hell not?! I deserve a new pair of shoes that make me feel good! Who cares if I can't fill out the boob-sacs on a petite 0/XXS ladies shirt? You know what I CAN fill out?! THESE TOTALLY AWESOME HIGH-TOP NAVY BLUE SNEAKERS!!!!!!"
And I bought them, and wore them out and felt much MUCH better.
That is the power of sneakers, y'all.
Call it crazy.
But that is the power of a pair of sneakers.
And that is why I love them.
'Cause even though shirts don't fit me properly....SNEAKERS ALWAYS FIT ME PROPERLY.
And even though the day might have been a lose on the "agenda-I-need-to-buy-new-button-downs" front, it was an absolute victory on the sneaker front. And a victory in sneakers most certainly pawns any lose on the clothes front.

When I was a kid I used to think new sneakers could make me run faster.
Like new sneakers gave me some sort of extra power that I didn't have before.
And like nobody else had to know. It was enough that I knew I had something special on my feet, like a secret weapon.
When I was a kid, new sneakers made me walk a little taller.
I felt like nothing in the world could be all THAT bad, 'cause I had a new pair of sneaks on my feet.
And I could say the exact same thing about a loyal tried and true pair of sneakers too.
Loyal tried and true sneakers pretty may as well be super hero capes.

I guess the reason I love sneakers so much is that I still sort of believe all that. To me there's something just a little magical about them.



...And it's not like I'm a crazy collector. I'm by no stretch of the imagination obsessed with sneakers. I don't have 100s of pairs. And it's been about a year since I bought my last pair. I usually kick them off at the back door without untying them. They also tend to pool around the door to my bedroom, in the threshold, and halfway to the closet. I get frustrated when I can't close the door to my room because they're in the way...and then I kick them across my room. I most definitely use and abuse 'em. But I certainly love 'em.

Love Rant: My Jean Jacket!

This is my jean jacket:



I love it. These are the reasons I love my jean jacket:

a) My jean jacket is stylish. So stylish it makes ME look stylish. Especially when I wear it while sporting aviator sun glasses. HI-YA!

b) My jean jacket is super practical. A light spring jacket? Why sure! A nice casual outer layer to compliment an ensemble? Heck yes, that too! It can double as an outdoor outer-layer AND an indoor outer-layer. I LOVE that. The jean jacket's transitionability (hooray for new words) makes it kinda like transition lens for glasses except MUCH less dorky. No need to swap sunglasses for indoor glasses and no need to swap a jacket for a cardigan when moving outdoors to indoors this jacket CAN DO IT ALL.

c) My jean jacket is DURABLE. I like to give the impression that I'm ready for anything. Kind of like Bear Grylls. You know, like at any moment I could be shoved out of some moving vehicle and do ok by finding a water source and following it to civilization (but not before battling the elements, eating some gross stuff and building a hammock out of praire grass). Now, I'm not wholly sure if I were ever shoved out of a helicopter into the African bush that I would be ok, but this jacket? Would totally survive. This jacket could do battle with a mountain lion. This jacket could wrestle an alligator. This jacket could tame a wild horse. AND this jacket makes me feel a little bit like I could do those things when I wear it. This jacket makes me feel WAY more tough than I actually am. In short...this jacket is sort of like my mini bat suit.

Which brings me to...

d) This jacket HAS SO MANY POCKETS. There are TWO front flap-y pockets. TWO front "put your hands in me" pockets AND (ready for it?) TWO pockets on the INSIDE. I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE pockets on the INSIDE of a jacket. I have no idea why, but they just make me so very happy. It's like a secret hiding place. It's like an extra-special spot for my extra-important stuff. And I have to come clean and be totally honest and tell you that the real reason I love this jacket of many pockets INCLUDING pockets on the inside is that....
Well, it's as close as I am EVER going to get to running around wearing a utility belt.
Each pocket in the jean jacket has a specific purpose and a specific thing that goes in it....just like a utlity belt.
Anything can be whipped out at a moments notice and is always at the ready....just like a utlity belt.
Utility belts are awesome. I would absolutely wear one if it were socially acceptable. Since it's not, this jacket is as close as I'm going to get. It works under the guise of being a "jacket" and keeping me "warm" in "semi-cool situations" but is secretly my utility belt. Shhhh don't tell society. I'll be kicked out!

I LOVE my jean jacket because it is my bat suit and utility belt AND Bruce Wayne "lookin' good" fashion piece ALL IN ONE.

Funny Coversations I Have With Friends: Jeff and The Komodo Dragon

So, I am sitting and reading a wikipedia article about Komodo Dragons. Maybe we were talking about them, maybe I was trying to remember a fact about them I learned on Planet Earth or Life or the hit show Holy Crap Dinosaurs Are Not As Extinct As We Thought (I made that last one up).

JEFF: What are you reading about?
ME: Komodo Dragons.
JEFF: Are you gonna buy a komodo dragon?
ME: Yeah.
JEFF: Really?
ME: Yeah.
JEFF: Really?
ME: Yeah.
JEFF: That's awesome.
(Pause)
ME: Actually, no. I'm pretty sure they're all kinds of illegal to keep as pets. They're ginormous and have poisonous jaws. They're practically dinosaurs.
JEFF: Aww. Are they "Amy-size" dragons?
ME: Probably bigger.

This is what would happen if I ever owned a Komodo Dragon:


And, thus my life ends as I always knew it would-in a fit of irony. A vegetarian devoured by a carnivore.

Love Rant: Dogs. BIG Dogs

All right, I thought I'd start this Love Rant Blog off, with a bit of a "no brainer" on something I love:

Dogs. BIG Dogs.

Not that I don't love my dog, Molly, (who is, rather small) (like, she's what would happen if dust bunnies ever evolved legs) . But, honestly? She's a little wimpy and whiny for my dog tastes. There's just something a bit more, well, dog-ish about a big dog. A big dogs says, "Hey. I'm so happy you're home. I'm gonna show you how happy I am by romping around the living room where I will probably come close to breaking something." A big dog waggin' some tail is a force to be reckoned with and a big dog can make the big, dopey, happy dog face. You know the one I'm taking about-the overgrown wide smile with the tongue lolling out the side. The Happy Dog Face. I'm not saying that a little dog CAN'T do all these things, I'm just saying that more often than not (at least in my experience) little dogs have the attitude and personality of a cat. Have you ever heard of the "Happy Cat Face?" No. Me either. Can you even picture a cat smiling (Cheshire cat doesn't count. He's creepy)? No. Me either.

Molly never makes the happy dog face. I feel like she has five expressions. They are:
1."What-ever"


2."As If"


3. "I'm Telling Dad"


4. "Wtf, you're leaving?!"


and

5."I'm excited (maybe about the mail, the fact that Dad's home, the kids walking by the window or the squirrel in the yard) so I'm going to high pitch bark until your ear drums bleed"

None of those are so humble, kind and simple as the happy-dog face.


You can playfully shove a big dog in a just for fun human-dog wrestling match. Whenever I shove Molly over she pretty much gives me the "As If" face and goes to sit on my Dad's lap. And, if I ever happen to get her in a "playing" mood, I get in trouble from my Dad who thinks I will break her. Which, isn't untrue. I probably WILL break her. Having a little dog is like having a newborn baby brother. You can coo at it and tell it how cute it is and sit with it in your lap. But God Forbid you try and play football with something you could probably use as a football. Having a big dog is like having a 12 year old brother. You know, the kind you can get into trouble with (and then put the blame on).

What's with all the big-dog talk?
No, I did not recently go out and by a labrador. Nor do I intend to anytime soon. I'm not ready to be a mother, or a sister more than once over just yet...
But I DID get to dog-sit (as I often do) for my cousin's super awesome standard poodles. Let me give you a little perspective...

This is Gilda, her dog, wearing my red sweater:



This is my dog wearing my red sweater:



Gilda loves to play the "I'm Gonna Get Your Paws" game. This game would just annoy Molly. Both Gilda and Gracie (the other poodle my cousin has) both play FETCH. As in I throw something, they bring it back. I throw sometime, they bring it back. This is NOT the version of fetch Molly likes to play which is either a) get my squeaky hamburger out from under the coffee table for so I can go play with it by myself or b) throw the squeaky hamburger across the room for me once so I can go play with it by myself.

Molly is good to take a nap with, but so are big dogs. And you never have to worry about rolling over on a big dog in your sleep...

It's The Second Coming!!

...nope. Just kidding. It's just my new blog.

Welcome to The Love Rant!
My name is Amy.

I look like this:


I like to pretend I look like this:



Here are some fun facts about me:
1. I can play "Amazing Grace" on the harmonica. Here begins and ends all of my musical talent.
2. I live with two straight men and a toy poodle.
3. I'm a 24 year old woman but I could probably pass for your little brother.
4. I bat with Ellen DeGeneres, Melissa Etheridge and Lily Tomlin.
5. I am very bad at softball. And baseball. And basketball. And dodgeball. And football. Basically anything involving balls-I am bad at (see fun fact #4).


Anyway, my general life philosophy is that there's too much in life that's awesome and worth loving to get too upset about stupid stuff. And stupid stuff is usually a matter of perspective anyway.
In general here are some things I think are stupid:
1. Politicians
2. Snakes
3. Breast Cancer Awareness Month
4. Pants with no pockets
5. CNN

Now, there are plenty of blogs that rant about things that are stupid. I could go on and on and on about how much I dislike politicians. I could ramble on for hours about how I think snakes don't deserve to live. And I could spend days upon days discoursing on the pointlessness of pants without pockets (I mean, am I right? They're POINTLESS. Where the heck am I supposed to put my pocket knife? Without a pocket to go in a pocket knife is just a knife, and that's creepy. People who carry pocket knives are ready for anything. People who carry knives are scary.)
But all in all me going on and on about stupid stuff is kinda boring, right?

Henceforth on the Love Rant there shall be no more talk of stupid stuff.

This blog is going to be soley devoted to things that are AWESOME.

...or, at the very least, things that I think are awesome. And even if you don't think the things I think are awesome, are awesome. Hopefully, you'll at least be entertained.
What kinds of things do I love? Well...I'm pretty easy to please. I love a lot of things. Everything from ponies to Cheddar-Jack Cheezits to the tulips that have poked their little green stems outta the ground in my backyard. There's a lot to love in this world and it's high time there was a blog devoted to such things. And because it's about damn time someone gave Cheddar-Jack Cheezits their due.

In addition to Love Rants about things that are awesome you can also expect:

-Cooking posts. Because one of the most awesome things I love is food. And making food.
- Funny conversations with friends.
-Awesome youtube videos.
-Little mini comics. Like this one:
This is what my family (read: two straight men and a toy poodle) looks like:



So tune in for some love, hopefully some laughs and probably (most definitely) some ridiculous.