I Have a Black Thumb of Death

So.
I love to cook.
Mostly, because I love to eat.
I am a vegetarian.
I love fresh vegetables.
I care about the earth and stuff.
I like projects and learning new things and doing things for myself.
Given all these facts, growing my own food seemed like a logical next step in the process of life.
I wanted to be "that girl" that showed up to work on a random Tuesday with a basket full of stuff from my own garden.
I wanted to be able to cook a meal and say, "Oh! I need a tomato! I'll just run outside and pick one off the vine!"
I wanted to have a list of my favorite herbs in constant supply in my backyard.
I wanted to be an eco-conscious, food-conscious, forward-thinking, sustainable-living, 20-something with a grand garden of goodies.

Alas, sometimes the things we want to be are not who we are. This is a hard lesson to learn in life...

Two summers ago, I planted six plants outside. Tomatoes, cucumbers, herbs, peppers and jalapenos. I made the mistake of planting them out of reach of the hose, so water (filling up a water can like...12 times back and forth) was a giant chore. And thus...watering probably did not happen as often as it should. I made the mistake of planting those plants on the sun bleached, Sahara-in-the-summer, side of the garage too. They never had a chance. Sorry dudes. I killed you.

Last summer, I decided to a) plant my plants within reach of the hose and b) Start a little smaller. I was even super fancy and made my own "upside down hanger" for my tomato plant. I thought this garden was destined for greatness. I thought I'd be eating homemade, homegrown Salsa all summer long. What happened to those plants? Oh yeah. They died. Which is a nice way of saying "I killed them."

After the deaths of my plants last summer, I learned that I should never be allowed to farm. Maybe one day, when I'm old and have more time on my hands...I can be a farmer. Maybe farming and growing a garden is something that's meant for a later stage in my life. When me and my chocolate lab named Bear can trapse through our garden and care for plants properly. Maybe Bear with munch tomatoes off the vine when I'm not looking. Maybe I am doomed to have a Black Thumb of Death forver. Who's to really say?

Five months after I buried my dead plants, it was my birthday. My family gave me a Chia pet herb garden as a gift. I think it was probably a desperate attempt to save plants everywhere from my Black Thumb of Death. "Dear God, let's just get her a Chia pet herb garden. Maybe then she won't feel the need to murder any innocent cucumber plants this summer. And I also really don't want a dead, upside down tomato plant in my yard this year. People are going to think Satanists."
So.
I got this herb garden.
As I tend to do, I got a little over excited.
I unwrapped my Chia Pet Herb garden on January First.
And planted them like...a hour later.
Chris was like, "Oh. You're planting them already, huh?"
And I was like, "Heck yes I am!"
I proudly put them on the window sill in the kitchen, where I was sure they would soak up all of that rich, nutritious (read:non existent) January sunlight. I even put ziplock bags over them to a get a Terrarium effect and help the little guys grow considering it was January and I put them on a WINDOWSILL.
By the way...in case you were wondering, I am a genius.

Can you guess what happened?

It's not like they didn't grow. They DID grow. And I DID water them faithfully (it's really easy to remember to water when the plants are staring you in the face everytime you're at the sink).
And for a second I thought to myself, "Maybe I DON'T have a Black Thumb of Death. Maybe one day I'll have a compost pile of my very own. Maybe this year is the year to do it!!! Maybe I SHOULD try again this summer and plant some vegetables!!"

And then...
Well.
And then...they just...stopped growing.
I don't know what happened.
They just, well...they've looked like this since mid-February:


Scraggly. Brown. Going nowhere.
Just like my career as an organic farmer.

How To Sing About The Days of the Week

Hey! Rebecca Black, if you read this blog (duh, everyone reads this blog), I just wanted to tell you...I think your song about Friday is great. It's pretty fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun too. I mean, who doesn't want to get down on Friday? I'm serious. You do gotta get down on Friday. And I can actually relate to your song, because a lot of times...I have a hard time deciding what seat in the car to take too. The front? The back? Most of the time...I end up having to sit in the front, since most of the time...I'm driving. But when I get the opportunity...I love to kick it in the back seat. That sounds kinda dirty, but I don't mean it that way.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I don't hate your song. One time, when I was a kid, I made up a song for the sole purpose of asking my mom if I could go to the local corner store to buy some candy. I had to ask with some flair, obviously, to convince her to say yes (and then convince her to give me money to buy said candy). And the cuter I was...the better. I mean, would you be able to say no to a darling child SINGING you all the reasons why he/she should be allowed to go to the store and buy some candy?? I think not. AND if youtube had been around back then (when I was a kid), I probably would have shot a music video, hired a black man to rap a rap in the middle of my song (which would probably go something like: Your girl needs candy. Her name ain't Mandy) and emailed it to my mom for even more added flair. And if I had done all that, maybe someone would have found it and made fun of me too.
I also made home movies with my brother and cousin. Every summer. One time we made a movie all about aliens invading earth for suckers (we had pretty one track minds as kids: CANDY). Another summer we made a movie called "LOL" it was a spin off of SNL. We made fun of Peter Francis Geraci and ER and Full House and The Eagleman commercials. You're too young, none of that probably means anything to you, but for its time...LOL was timely and insightful. What I'm saying, is that you better bet your 7:45 ride on the highway, that if we'd had the ability...we woulda posted that shit ALL OVER the internet. And you better bet your friend on your right that we absolutely would have done it to maybe, possibly, "get famous". I could just see how it would work in my brain, "OMG! What if Lorne Michaels sees me in LOL, in sketches I helped write, and decides to put me on SNL?!?!?" In fact, I can probably guarantee you that it crossed my mind to send him a copy of the tape. I can also guarantee you that based on the content and quality of homemade films I starred in as well as my delusions of fame and grandeur...I was dropped on my head as a child. A lot.


I feel old writing a post like this. I think every generation has some sort of epiphany when they realize that it was much easier to be a kid when they were a kid. Or at least easier to stay innocent. And here I am, at only 25 years old, thinking, "Damn, it was so much simplier to be a kid when I was a kid." With the internet, we live in a very exposed age and when you're a young person trying to figure out who you are and how to make your mark in this world...that sucks. I think it gets harder and harder to be a kid everyday. But that might just be because I'm an old lady. I also think girls' skirts are too damn short nowadays.

I think when you're a kid, you shouldn't be afraid to look like an asshole (in the goofy, crazy, sense not the jerky sense). And boy howdy...when I was a kid I was not afraid be an asshole or generally be a giant dork. Which is to say-I was never ever thinking in my brain, "Man, I wonder what other people are going to think of me when I put a pillowcase on my head and pretend to be an alien and then stomp all of this construction paper city because I'm super pissed that earth does not have enough suckers to satisfy my sucker needs." It's always SUCH a heart-breaker for me when I see kids make the conscious choice to not say or do something they wanted to because they're worried about what other people will think. It kills me inside.
I think it's really hard for kids to be goofy nowadays.


Anyway, I just wanted to say, Rebecca Black, don't be afraid to be an asshole. I think you should re-shoot your video and wear one of those giant M&M costumes. I think YOU should cover the "Bob Dylan" cover of your song.

And also, if you want to sing about the days of the week again, take some notes, do a little research because this is how it's done: