Things About Me That Are (APPARENTLY) Unattractive

Dream Jobs

So, in thinking about all my career aspirations, what it is I want to do with my life, where I want to be in five years, who I am, who I want to be, where I want to go, who I want to be with, what I want to accomplish before I die, and generally the meaning of the universe and my place in it...
I thought it would be helpful to make a list of my dreams jobs.

Here is a short list of some of the things I would like to be when I grow up:

1. Mythbuster.
Why? Because you get to blow stuff up with Mentos.


2. Professional Blogger
Why? Because one day it might be nice to get paid to do one of my favorite things in the world: be a smart ass. I mean...write.


3. Horse Whisperer.
Why? Because I love horses a lot and it would be super cool to talk to them.


4. Action Movie Star.
Why? Because action movie stars are awesome and kick-ass. I would like to be awesome and kick ass. Even if it just were pretend.

P.S: Young children who read this blog (duh, everyone reads this blog): Don't draw pictures like this. They will get you called into the principle's office.

And my ultimate dream-job???

5. Side-kick to Ellen DeGeneres.
Why? Like I even need to explain. She is, without a doubt, the coolest person in the world. And who wouldn't want to be a side-kick to the coolest person in the world?



If anyone would like to act as a reference for one of the above jobs (for example, if you know a horse I would get-along with really well and could whisper to) (or if you know Adam or Jaime from Mythbusters and can tell them I'd be great at maniacally laughing after we blow something up) (or if you know Ellen DeGeneres and can convince her she needs a side-kick) let me know! I'll give you a hug for saying nice things about me and perform a horse-whispering for you for FREE. That's an offer you can't pass up.

Love Rant: The Three-Day Walkers

So, this weekend, the Breast Cancer Three-Day once again came right by the doors of The Studio, where I work. The Studio (where I teach art classes and help the children of the world paint plaster unicorns) is next to a giant park that serves as a rally/pit stop point for the walkers each year. Over the years, though, The Studio has become a sort of unofficial pit stop, providing a break with air conditioning and toilets that flush (which, at this point in the walk, is a luxury to the walkers).

Two years ago we were unprepared and didn't know what was happening when streams of men and women in pink paraded by our doors. We had a couple people stop in as they went by asking to use our bathroom. They were thankful for toilets that flushed and air conditioning. That gave us the grand idea that we would totally deck the place out and decorate the following year and be open for the purpose of providing our bathrooms and air to weary walkers...

So...
Last year...Unbeknownst to me, Mrs. Yueill, Kassie, and Kristen spent long hours and great lengths decking out the Studio in honor of my mom. When I obliviously pulled up to work that morning and saw a HUGE sign that said "In Loving Memory of jan Cornelius", I couldn't help but get a little teary-eyed. It'll go down as one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me. The walk that year was very special, in every way. The walkers really appreciated the use of our facilities. I talked to many great women and got bear-hugged by people I did not know. Walkers got to see my mom's picture and many told me they'd think of her as they crossed the finish and that they were walking for her.

This year, I got to help decorate!

It's always such a touching experience. I am not too involved in any breast cancer organizations and I've never walked myself. I don't really know why. Mostly, it's just 'cause that's not how I deal. To me, now, my life is all about moving forward and while I'd help the cause in any way I could, in a lot of ways I feel as though I've already earned the "Cancer Merit Badge" on my life sash. It's not that I don't feel like I need to fight or pursue a cure or walk 60 miles with tons of fantastic people. It's mostly that I feel like I spent 12 years fighting with my mom and well...it's a battle that's kinda done for me and a chapter that's closed. I kinda feel like I spent 12 years walking for Breast Cancer. And I guess, in a lot of ways, in my own way, I continue to walk for Breast Cancer everyday of my life. The way I do this is by carrying my mother in my heart everyday of my life and being the person she taught me to be. I think it'd be important to her that I carry on that legacy and so that's what I try and do.

I may feel very differently one day if I ever get cancer or if someone I know and love gets cancer (again). I wasn't really old enough to walk or process that I should walk or volunteer when my mom was fighting for her life. I think a lot of people struggle with what to "DO" when either they or someone they love gets cancer. Walking is a palpable way to DO something. It hurts, it takes effort, its a journey, and it's something. Something to be done and that they can say they've done that's measurable. For the walkers that walk WITH cancer (yes, it happens and yes I've seen it) (these people are in a league ALL their own), I think walking is a palpable way to really freakin' STICK IT to their disease. And I say, high-fives to that. Walking takes strength, endurance, and a good attitude-all of what it takes to fight cancer. I admire, love, and support those who walk with everything I've got. Same as I do anyone on this earth who fights cancer.

I know that people walk for many reasons.
I love them for the money they raise to learn more about the disease/find a cure.
I love them for walking to understand somehow what it is to fight.
I love them for doing something to fight the disease.

Mostly, I love the Walk, (from the walkers, to the volunteers, to the people who run it, to the simple act of standing on the side line cheering) because it feels like people taking care of and caring about each other.
Mostly, I love the walk because I feel like it's what the world should be about...People giving a damn. People giving a damn so much that they're gonna spend 3 days walking 60 miles. People giving a damn so much they'll set up along the route to cheer these people on. People giving a damn so much they'll spend their own money to buy water bottles and freeze pops to hand out to the walkers. People caring enough to stop and look at the pictures of my mom, to not know me or my mother, but to say, "This is for her. This is for you."
WHOA.
WHOA.
WHOA.
You would do that for her, Ms. Walker I never met before in my life? You would do that for ME?!
What?!?!
Yes. Absolutely. Just like I don't know any of you people but here I am clapping my hands numb to cheer you on.
Here WE are as The Studio, handing out every band-aid and cold pack we can from our first aid kits, offering our flushing toilets and air conditioning.
Here is the Studio Staff, caring enough to make a special dedication table for my mother. Recognizing what this means to me.
Here we all are, hugging people we don't know.
Here we all are, thanking the crap out of each other, "THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR LETTING ME WASH MY HANDS WITH RUNNING WATER!!" "WELL THANK YOU FOR WALKING!"
Here we all are, dancing to "Single Ladies" outside the Studio door.
And Jesus...here I am putting up with all this damn PINK. I mean, my lord, that's the biggest miracle of all.

I guess the stupid, naive, idealist in me kinda wonders why the rest of life and the world can't be this way. I wonder why we have to fight each other so much. I wonder why we so often choose to NOT take care of each other or support each other, or why we pick and choose who we care for/support. I wonder why we can't be human begins walking for each other, instead of just ourselves.







Here are some pictures!!!!




Omg. So. Much. Pink. EVERYWHERE.




A sign we rolled outside. It took us FOR-EVER to come up with the "quote". Melissa Etheridge always comes though. Seriously, we were getting super slap-happy had run through things like, "Life is a work of art, Color yours with hope." all the way down to, "Give me Liberty or give me DEATH". The Melissa song just felt right. It's line from her song "Run for Life". She performed the song on the Grammys or some other award show, bald-headed from chemo. She's a bad-ass.



President Obama broke into the Studio over night and made his own special sign for the Three-Day Walkers. Thanks, Dude!




Special memory table for my Mama.
...and special tune-age to pump the Walkers.





Walkers walkin' by...GO WALKERS! GO!





Walk for answers. Walk for more.





President Obama's sign in the flowerbox.









Mrs. Yueill and me. I might have lost my mama, but I'm so glad she sent me this lady. I love her.





Mrs. Yueill, Kristen, and Me. This picture is titled, "This picture looks like it was taken at a bar or a party"




This picture is titled, "A PROPER picture of Mrs. Yueill, Kristen, and Me"

So The Studio is where we teach art classes. As such, things can get kinda messy so we always cover our tables with butcher paper. Without our knowledge, the Walkers started writing on one of the tables and filling it with messages. It was full by about mid-way through the walk and at the end of the day we had something that looked like this:


Kind of amazing, right?

I snapped a couple close-ups of my favorite messages....






No! I did not take a picture of this one because their team name was the "Tittie Kitties" and that it was probably the most-lesbian name for any Breast Cancer 3-Day team. I took it because they are from Colorado. But now you probably just think I took it for the other reason, anyway. Thanks, guys. Real mature.




Mindy from Kentucky!!




I think you should move here too!




Thank you for being one of the highlights of our summer.






This last one was my favorite. It's pretty much been my mantra all summer, so to see it left on a table by a random stranger from a 3-Day Breast Cancer Walk was, well, pretty damn cool...

The Buzz Was Gone!

OK! FIRST OF ALL...

For those of you who've been commenting: I AM SO SORRY. I just NOW realized that I had comments on my blog. I usually get emails that tell me so, but for whatever reason have not gotten ANY emails saying that I have blog comments. This will be remedied. Thank you to those of you who've commented. I'm so sorry for not responding there. I feel like an asshole.

So you may have noticed that there hasn't been too much blog-age. I know. Horrible. It's all going to change, promise. There WILL be a love rant in the near future about how much I love Cheddar-Jack Cheezits. There WILL be so many love rants in the future about so many different, ridiculous things.

The summer has been a little nuts.
You remember that job I started a couple months ago?
The one I couldn't wear sneakers to?

...I quit.

I've never quit anything in my life, really. Well, unless you count basketball in 7th grade but that wasn't so much quitting as saying "Hey guys, instead of sitting on the bench here...I'm just gonna do it at home and watch Clarissa Explains it All. Cool?" And anyway, I ended up only bein' a quitter for like three days because then all the girls begged me to come back to the team and well, we all know I'm a sucker for girls. See? I joined back for all the right reasons: to impress girls. And man, let me tell you my track record with women started early, because I impressed them by doing things like shooting at the wrong hoop and missing simple lay-ups again and again and again and again and generally making a mess out of my two minutes of playing time.
But the point is: yup. I've never quit anything in my life. I'm not a quitter. I'm a doer. I'm stubborn, I like to prove I can do/accomplish/complete things. I hate having to call "uncle." But I did on Friday. Taken at face value (walking away from a steady, decent, paycheck complete with heath benefits and a discount at Barnes and Noble) it might qualify as the craziest thing I've ever done in my life. To other people, I might seem totally ludicrous and off my rocker. To me, it was one of the best moves I ever made in my life.

I can't speak ill of the company or of the people who work there-they're all great. But...it just wasn't for me. I was a round peg tryin' to shove myself in the square hole of my cubicle every morning and it wasn't worth it to me. And since I'm young, and don't have a mortgage or a family to support....I cut my losses and walked away. I'm back to scraping by on part time work and do you know what?
I couldn't be more happy about it.
I taught art classes Saturday and had a conversation with a five-year-old about whether or not she believed dinosaurs could sing (she said "no" I said "yes" (duh) she finally acquiesced that if they did sing they probably did so in a dinosaur voice, I totally agreed saying that if a dino were to sing I wouldn't expect him to sound like Pavarotti). She also told me that she was named Amelia, after Amelia Earhart the famous, "airplane driver". She told me that nobody knew where Amelia was and that she believes she crash landed in a lake and died. I said I thought she was on the moon. Later, when we were talking about dinosaurs, five-year-old Amelia told me nobody knew what happened to the dinosaurs either. Five-year-old Amelia believed that the all wrestled each other too much and that's why they're not around anymore. But she is also open to other possibilities, as there would probably at least be two or three dinosaurs still around that didn't wrestle too much. I said I thought maybe the dinosaurs were with Amelia the famous airplane driver and five-year-old Amelia agreed. Then five-year-old Amelia told me that the place she wanted to go more than anywhere in the world was ancient China because that's where the first kite was invented. Awesome.
After work on Saturday I got to work at theatre and help the boys there move a giant set around and got to use a power drill and crow-bar. I got to put my flashlight and multi-tool on my belt and I got to joke with dudes who always crack me up. Disconnecting the vampire sockets on the lights led to jokes about vampires, which led to impressions of Bill Compton from True Blood. Again. Awesome.

So am I going to be able to pay off the those college loans anytime soon?
No.
Until I find another full time job that's a better fit will I be able to move out anytime in the foreseeable future?
Nope.
Will I be able to buy that new mac desktop I've had my eye on for the past year?
Eh, it'll be a while till the spare change in my change bucket equals a thousand dollars. Especially when I constantly pick out quarters to use in vending machines. Until then it's me and my four-year-old Miss. Watermelon kickin' ibook-pre-webcam style.

Despite all that I am a heck of a lot happier now than I've been for the past two months. If I've learned anything so far in life it's that I can't compromise myself or who I am. My greatest successes in life have come from being 100% true to who I am. And when I'm not in a place to be who I am, I can't be happy and I can't expect happy things to happen to me.

The best way I know how to explain why I quit is this. And this also might be the part that has me officially labeled as "crazy"...
As hard as it was to balance two part time jobs and go to school full time...
As hard as it was to then balance THREE part time jobs...
As hard as it was to work for low pay and constantly try and make things "work"...
And even though I had some really tough days, some really sad days, and some really bad days...
I always felt a little "buzz" inside me. Maybe it was all the coffee, but I think it was little hum of excitement that told me that not only would everything be ok, not only would I be ok...but that life I was working so hard for was on it's way. That I was doing things right and that eventually, I'd get to where I needed to be. And not only that, but in getting to where I needed to be, I was doing things that kept me and my brain happy in the meanwhile: teaching kids, doing backstage technical work, seeing shows, BLOGGING...
When I started working for the company a few months ago that buzz died. It just died. And I don't mean to sound so dramatic, but it did. And suddenly I wasn't me anymore. And that scared the life outta me. Because I'd always believed that with everything I can get, give, and have taken from me in this world, the one thing I could always hang on to and that would always see me through was my sense of self. And it was so scary to see that die.


And while I'm not proud of quitting because that is so not my style or how I operate, I am proud that I did what I needed to do.

Leap and the net will appear right?


Right?


Right.

My New Job: A Story In Comics

So I started a brand new job recently. This new job is not like anything I've ever done before. It's a great place to work, with very nice people. But I feel a little out of my element so far. Mainly, because I'm way way waaaaay out of the "art" sector. None-the-less, I'm lucky to have found a job and to get to work for such a great place.

Aside from the nice people, having a paycheck, benefits (now I can get hit by a bus and not get sent to debtors prison), and weekends off here are a few pretty awesome things about my new job:

1. I get a super official badge that grants me access to the building.

It makes me feel a little bit like I work for the CIA or FBI 'cause I can say things like, "Yeah, I've got the security clearance to be in this cubicle sector".
Mostly, I like it because I wear it around my neck and in doing so I let everyone I meet/come across/smile at in the hallway made of cubicle walls know: Hey. I work here. So don't even think about asking if I'm here for take-your-son-to-work-day.

2. We got a free travel mug.

The coffee to go in the travel mugs was not included. But at least now my coffee can travel with me and stay reasonably hot. AND I can score points for the environment by taking my travel mug into coffee shops and filling it up instead of using one of their paper cups. You're welcome environment!


As awesome as badges and free travel mugs are, there are some things about my new job that are hard for me...

1. You are not allowed to wear sneakers.

Not even on casual friday.

2. You have to talk about polite things. Like the weather and The Hawks and laundry.


You are NOT supposed to run your mouth off.


If you run your mouth off you might insult people...


3. You cannot run in the office. I mean, no one has officially told me that I can't run, but I assume it's one of those rules you should assume to be true.
You cannot run.
You have to walk.
Professionally.
With your badge on.
Why is it such a big deal that you can't run?? Because the area where I work is pretty much made of cubicles, and hence there are perfectly crafted "lanes" for racing. I mean...DUH. And it could only be all the more interesting to race in cubicle lanes and have to dodge printers, recycling bins, and fax machines. ALSO, I think it would be way fun to put a prize in a random person's cubicle and have a race to find it. Kinda like rats in a maze, except less Kafka-esque.


Here are some things I wish about my job:

1. That I could have a drum set in my cubicle.

I don't know how to play the drums, but the office is so quiet that sometimes I just want to make some noise. Hence my desire to have drum set in my cubicle to bang on.

2. That the cafeteria had an ice cream machine.
The cafeteria at the place I work is run by the same company that ran the cafeteria at the university I went to. One thing my school cafeteria had that this cafeteria does not have was a soft serve ice cream dispenser. There were days where I would eat three ice cream cones in one day. And I certainly would not mind if those days happened again...


Really, if I could have a drum set and an ice cream machine I would be pretty made in the shade. I could get over not wearing sneakers. And if I had a drum set that would distract me from wanting to run around. And if I had ice cream to shove in my face that would prevent me from saying something stupid!! Everyone WINS!