My New Job: A Story In Comics

So I started a brand new job recently. This new job is not like anything I've ever done before. It's a great place to work, with very nice people. But I feel a little out of my element so far. Mainly, because I'm way way waaaaay out of the "art" sector. None-the-less, I'm lucky to have found a job and to get to work for such a great place.

Aside from the nice people, having a paycheck, benefits (now I can get hit by a bus and not get sent to debtors prison), and weekends off here are a few pretty awesome things about my new job:

1. I get a super official badge that grants me access to the building.

It makes me feel a little bit like I work for the CIA or FBI 'cause I can say things like, "Yeah, I've got the security clearance to be in this cubicle sector".
Mostly, I like it because I wear it around my neck and in doing so I let everyone I meet/come across/smile at in the hallway made of cubicle walls know: Hey. I work here. So don't even think about asking if I'm here for take-your-son-to-work-day.

2. We got a free travel mug.

The coffee to go in the travel mugs was not included. But at least now my coffee can travel with me and stay reasonably hot. AND I can score points for the environment by taking my travel mug into coffee shops and filling it up instead of using one of their paper cups. You're welcome environment!


As awesome as badges and free travel mugs are, there are some things about my new job that are hard for me...

1. You are not allowed to wear sneakers.

Not even on casual friday.

2. You have to talk about polite things. Like the weather and The Hawks and laundry.


You are NOT supposed to run your mouth off.


If you run your mouth off you might insult people...


3. You cannot run in the office. I mean, no one has officially told me that I can't run, but I assume it's one of those rules you should assume to be true.
You cannot run.
You have to walk.
Professionally.
With your badge on.
Why is it such a big deal that you can't run?? Because the area where I work is pretty much made of cubicles, and hence there are perfectly crafted "lanes" for racing. I mean...DUH. And it could only be all the more interesting to race in cubicle lanes and have to dodge printers, recycling bins, and fax machines. ALSO, I think it would be way fun to put a prize in a random person's cubicle and have a race to find it. Kinda like rats in a maze, except less Kafka-esque.


Here are some things I wish about my job:

1. That I could have a drum set in my cubicle.

I don't know how to play the drums, but the office is so quiet that sometimes I just want to make some noise. Hence my desire to have drum set in my cubicle to bang on.

2. That the cafeteria had an ice cream machine.
The cafeteria at the place I work is run by the same company that ran the cafeteria at the university I went to. One thing my school cafeteria had that this cafeteria does not have was a soft serve ice cream dispenser. There were days where I would eat three ice cream cones in one day. And I certainly would not mind if those days happened again...


Really, if I could have a drum set and an ice cream machine I would be pretty made in the shade. I could get over not wearing sneakers. And if I had a drum set that would distract me from wanting to run around. And if I had ice cream to shove in my face that would prevent me from saying something stupid!! Everyone WINS!

Love Rant: This Sketch From SNL

Ok. Obviously this is brilliant for so many, many reasons. Not the least of which is Betty White, who was beyond hilarious all night long (I nearly fell off the couch when she came out on the Latin talk-show and couldn't keep up with the head-snap dance in that long-haired wig). I could go into great detail about Betty White's genius comic timing, the awesomeness of Betty White, Tina Fey, Rachel Dratch, Amy Poehler and Ana Gasteyer all on one stage-but really...it speaks for itself.

Here are the reasons beyond the obvious, that I love it:

1. "Lez" as a verb. If I had a nickel for everytime I had to do something girly when I would have rather stayed home and lezzed? Well...let's just say I'd have my own lesbian fashion line for girls who can't fill out the boob-sacs in shirts made for women.

2. Betty White saying she wishes she could go back and lez it up 24 hours.

3. "You can put that lesbian in any kind of a dress you want and you know what you're going to end up with?? A lesbian." This sketch made me realize that, growing up, I never needed a pony or a hamster or a pair of red converse high-tops...what I REALLY needed was Betty White sitting in the corner of my house, doing needlepoint-stating the obvious....

Like...when I sobbed over having curlers put in my hair...
MOM: I don't understand why you don't like having your hair curled! Don't you think you like so pretty??
BETTY WHITE: She's a lesbian!

MOM: Now why did you take your communion dress off ALREADY?! Our family hasn't even gotten here from the church yet for your party!
BETTY WHITE: That girl is a lesbian!

MOM: Why don't you want to go to social dance class?? Everyone else in the seventh grade is going!
BETTY WHITE: Awww! Just let her stay home and LEZ!

...and...when I brought home a boyfriend who was clearly gay himself, though nothing was ever said to me, I'm sure at one point this conversation happened...
DAD: Should we be concerned that she's dating a gay man?
MOM: Oh I don't think he's gay! Why would he be dating our beautiful, lovely, daughter if he was gay??
BETTY WHITE: BECAUSE THEY'RE BOTH HOMOSEXUALS. NOW TELL THEM TO COME OUT OF THE CLOSET BEFORE THEY END UP MARRIED WITH FOUR KIDS.


Oh Betty White. What good work you could do for gays across the world if you could sit in a corner and state the obvious.


....also...I have new cursewords. They are "Crabapples!!" and "Awww Crackers!"

Love Rant: My New Pair Of Sneakers That I Convinced Myself I Needed/Deserved While Shopping For "Work" Shoes

These are my new sneakers.
I LOVE sneakers.
I LOVE these sneakers.

Personally, I believe that there are a pair of sneakers for any occasion in life.
Sneakers make me feel good.
Sneakers always feel like "me".
And if I have to wear an outfit that's not wholly comfortable, or if I'm in a new situation or doing something I don't necessarily like doing-I feel so much better about life if I'm wearing my sneaks. Some people have pendants or jewelry that they always wear. Some people can't function without their special watch on their wrist. Some people have lucky hats...
I have sneakers.

So yesterday I got a new pair of sneakers (see above picture (aren't they totally awesome?!)). There's just something about sweet new shoes that make me feel good! Maybe it's my inner girl coming through. But instead of drooling over a new pair of pumps or some sexy, strappy sandals...I swoon over sneakers.
Is that weird?
I can't help it.
So I bought a new pair yesterday afternoon. And I'll admit I was especially vulnerable yesterday because...

I was out clothes shopping.

*Cue the foreboding, dramatic music*

There are few activities I loathe more than clothes shopping. But this is not a blog that talks about things that I loathe, it's a blog that talks about things that I love. So I will not go into much more detail than to say: when you're small it's impossible to find things that fit. And it gets to be a miserable day when you're shopping for regular old button-downs and try on a petite 0/XXS and it STILL looks stupid on you because you don't have the boob-age to fill out the built in boob-sacs that they build into ladies' shirts. So. Frustrating. It's not my lack of boob-age that I care about, it's the fact that ladies shirts look stupid on my because of it and kids' shirts don't fit because the sleeves are too short and mens' shirts are just too damn big and I just want a shirt that fits I don't care WHERE it comes from! Is that too much to ask?
Anyway.
Back to sneakers.
I had no luck in the clothes shopping department yesterday. None. I got belts. That was about it.
...Good thing I had to buy shoes too.
I am starting a job where sneakers are not allowed (I know, it's heart-wrenching), and hence, needed to find appropriate footwear.
Now, one totally awesome thing about having the build of a hobbit is that you can fit into kid size shoes. And so my body-type (read: hobbit) redeemed itself and I was able to buy a plain old pair of brown "work" shoes and a plain old pair of black "work" shoes in the kids section and hence...on the cheap! So what if the brand of my shoe is "Buster Brown" and the "o" in "Brown" is a little paw print?? No one has to know but me!...and all of you.

So since I was able to find the shoes I needed for so cheap, when I saw the converse rack, I thought: "Why the hell not?! I deserve a new pair of shoes that make me feel good! Who cares if I can't fill out the boob-sacs on a petite 0/XXS ladies shirt? You know what I CAN fill out?! THESE TOTALLY AWESOME HIGH-TOP NAVY BLUE SNEAKERS!!!!!!"
And I bought them, and wore them out and felt much MUCH better.
That is the power of sneakers, y'all.
Call it crazy.
But that is the power of a pair of sneakers.
And that is why I love them.
'Cause even though shirts don't fit me properly....SNEAKERS ALWAYS FIT ME PROPERLY.
And even though the day might have been a lose on the "agenda-I-need-to-buy-new-button-downs" front, it was an absolute victory on the sneaker front. And a victory in sneakers most certainly pawns any lose on the clothes front.

When I was a kid I used to think new sneakers could make me run faster.
Like new sneakers gave me some sort of extra power that I didn't have before.
And like nobody else had to know. It was enough that I knew I had something special on my feet, like a secret weapon.
When I was a kid, new sneakers made me walk a little taller.
I felt like nothing in the world could be all THAT bad, 'cause I had a new pair of sneaks on my feet.
And I could say the exact same thing about a loyal tried and true pair of sneakers too.
Loyal tried and true sneakers pretty may as well be super hero capes.

I guess the reason I love sneakers so much is that I still sort of believe all that. To me there's something just a little magical about them.



...And it's not like I'm a crazy collector. I'm by no stretch of the imagination obsessed with sneakers. I don't have 100s of pairs. And it's been about a year since I bought my last pair. I usually kick them off at the back door without untying them. They also tend to pool around the door to my bedroom, in the threshold, and halfway to the closet. I get frustrated when I can't close the door to my room because they're in the way...and then I kick them across my room. I most definitely use and abuse 'em. But I certainly love 'em.